364th day, still our baby

I know the title is weird, but as i sit here writing this i have to admit i have already cried 3 times today. Our baby will be 1 tomorrow. Yes, that is right, 1! While it is so wonderul, it is probably one of the most emotional things i have ever gone through. Can it really be that it has been a whole year since i sat in the hospital, watching football and pushing at the same time?! Has it really been a year since i looked at Graydon and said, "it's time..." Or since i looked up at my mom right before allie harris was born at the hospital crying and saying, "mommy, i don't think i can do this, i am scared." And she told me lovingly while stroking my hair, "honey you are not the first person to have a baby and you will not be the last. " Scared, that is something that you can let hold you back when it comes to being a mom. I finally had to let go and realize that Allie Harris was going to live, WE were going to live and happily at that! As Aubrey and I prepared some things for AH birthday, i giggled because i am not having some huge party which a lot of people may expect. In turn we are having only a few people over to soak up what will be such a defining moment in her life and our families life. Each night around 6:30, Allie Harris and i go back to her room to rock, have her bottle and say her prayers then go to bed. Tonight, i was timid to go back there knowing it was the last time i would rock her as a little baby, not my 1 year old little girl. As we sat in the dim light, i whispered in her ear while she drank her bottle. The same things i always whisper, mommy loves you, daddy loves you, jesus loves you and don't ever forget that sweet baby. I began to choke up, tears streaming down my cheeks. In this little moment Allie Harris must of known i need her because she pulls her bottle out of her mouth, looks up at me, puts her hand on my cheek and leans in to give me love. PERFECT. If i could freeze that one moment in a time capsule, i can promise you i would. To us, she is the most amazing, loving, precious, giving, remarkable and happy little blessing in the whole world. Hands down. As she finished her bottle she nestled her head on my shoulder, just for a minute as if to let me know she is still my little baby. Then in a second, she looked up and looked at her bed and said nigh-nigh. I squeezed her one last time, kissed her fat soft cheek, told her i loved her and to have sweet dreams because her 1st birthday was tomorrow. I balled crying as i left her room, and went to the den to cry on Graydon for a bit. Through it all, we know one thing for sure-she will always be our baby girl. Just like i will always be dede and dibs little girl and so on. And knowing that makes me okay! We have enjoyed every moment, we have loved her every second and we have given her life. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us, helped us and loved us. Thank you to Graydon for giving me such an amazing gift. Thank you to allie harris for forever altering the path of my life in a way i never knew before.